anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.