Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
bad news gang
Beauty and the Beast
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.