Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Running from your problems is cardio .
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Coffee for people with no kids
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
just left a huge legacy in there
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.