[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
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i s
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Risking my life for fun.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning