My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Friends that check up on you >
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.