15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
me, too, girl. me, too.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?