me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
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that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Hello Twits.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Yup….perfect score!
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Confused owl: What?!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of