[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
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interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*