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My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I have so many questions.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Lol.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….