“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My blood type is coffee.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
necessity is the mother of invention
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful