no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway