Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
In case you needed to hear it:
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.