Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.