So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
best first i’ve ever seen