I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
just pretend nothing happened
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.