9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning