“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
You Might Also Like
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals