“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
my professor scared me for a second
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.