The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
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My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
what could possibly go wrong?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.