There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
You Might Also Like
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Tuesday
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Stop sending me this shit.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.