Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
An odd boast
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.