Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
You Might Also Like
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Don’t make me out nice you.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.