Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
mood
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.