millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.