my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar