If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
🙂🙃🥹
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.