In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
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Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Every time my phone rings
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday