*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 馃憤*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
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A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
kid: let鈥檚 go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
#SaturdayBears
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
maybe if they didn鈥檛 want air bnb to fall they should鈥檝e made it on the ground
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what鈥檚 written on it
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I鈥檒l bring my workout gear. I mean I haven鈥檛 worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don鈥檛 be alarmed, I鈥檓 sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He鈥檚 perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.