You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You Might Also Like
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Based Erika
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.