Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*