Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
6: are snakes just neck?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.