Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
never compromise your values
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Just why bro?!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
why am I working on Labor Day
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date: