Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?