I need this for my side hustle.
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Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.