My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.