Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
You Might Also Like
Check out the legs on this baby
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
asked my bf how work was today
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.