Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
You Might Also Like
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?