[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
You Might Also Like
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
We decided to have money instead of children.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!