If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Duolingo getting serious.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.