[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
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From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
A huge thanks to the person that did this
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.