Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Selfie
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.