My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop