Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok