whelp that’s enough instagram for today
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
taking June’s advice to heart
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.