“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
*jingles half the way*
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”