My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
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Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…