I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill