Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
You Might Also Like
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.