*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.