Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
You Might Also Like
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
#Caturday
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.